


the sin of a confused heart

by jessicamiriamdrew



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Jewish Character, M/M, Yom Kippur | Atonement Day, canon adjacent, kakashi is jewish now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:28:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26432674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessicamiriamdrew/pseuds/jessicamiriamdrew
Summary: Judaism is not a clan secret—though memories of the Hatake family grow dim—but it is not advertised. The fact that Kakashi disappears on certain days and keeps strange hours on others slot in easily to his unconventional personality.or, it's Yom Kippur, Kakashi atones, and Iruka brings him back.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 9
Kudos: 49





	the sin of a confused heart

**Author's Note:**

> big thank yous to Dunloth, menecio, stupidbadgers, and deepestbluest for feedback and encouragement at various points!!
> 
> there is a short glossary/explanations at the end, but i did try to explain as much as possible within the fic itself. the title is from a version of the al cheyt prayer.
> 
> happy almost 5781 to all my fellow jewish nart fans out there!

He cannot make teshuvah with the dead, no matter how many times he returns to their graves. Any apologies he wants to share can never be accepted; their books of life are sealed.

Kakashi recites the prayers in front of the memorial stone, knowing it is too late.

There are those still alive he should seek out, but the words erode and erase on his mouth. Each day he contemplates revealing truths, but he hesitates over phrases and effaces them, like a golem getting sent to eternal sleep.

He no longer kills and yet everything remains death.

*

The Hatake were the only Jewish clan to settle in Konoha, leaving the warm desert of Suna behind, and Kakashi persists. The traditions of his family will die with him, but it feels cruel not to observe what he can.

To save a life is to save an entire world, and Sakumo practiced that, rescuing the rich worlds inside his teammates instead of completing a mission. Konoha punished Sakumo so cruelly for their recovery that he deprived the world of his own.

Kakashi understands it now.

*

Judaism is not a clan secret—though memories of the Hatake family grow dim—but it is not advertised. The fact that Kakashi disappears on certain days and keeps strange hours on others slot in easily to his unconventional personality.

And who would choose to join in a history woven with such cruelties as Kakashi’s own? 

He spends Yom Kippur alone in prayer, callused fingers tripping over pages of syllables he barely remembers to shape.

_I am but dust and ashes_ , the petition on his tongue reminds him.

Atoning for collective sins as a shinobi is scrubbing away blood and hoping not to break the smiles of the next generation.

Kakashi abstains, and fumbles through the hours with echoes of his father and his mother.

*

The sun sets, the darkness of the evening seeping into the wanness of his essence, and he doesn’t feel worthy of rejoining the rest of the world. During this season, when he’s composed more of regret than shinobi, it is easier to watch the candles burn too low in their light to read and tempting to linger in the depression of the day and a book of life that Kakashi aches to close.

*

But he asked Iruka to dinner, he reminds himself. Shinobi are used to esoteric measurements of time, the side effect of a culture riddled in superstition and rituals of survival. Iruka had agreed amiably to meet two hours after sunset with no traces of confusion lining his brown skin. 

When he finishes his twenty-five hours of atonement, Kakashi changes from his father’s white robe into a jounin uniform.

Kakashi hardly needs to rehearse being dead, thanks to Pain, but folding the white cloth forces his focus on his mortality.

He slides the hitai-ate across his eye, tying it in the back, and returns to this aspect of himself.

*

Ichiraku is bright and bustling yet the fog of repentance refuses to dissipate even faced with prompts of happiness.

That is, until he sees Iruka at their table, smiling to himself.

This is why he turns and returns each year.

Iruka stands up as Kakashi approaches, and hugs him before Kakashi can say a word. Some of that innumerable lustrousness of Iruka’s soul seeps into Kakashi.

“I ordered for you,” Iruka says, pulling back to peck Kakashi on the mouth. “Figured you’d be hungry.”

The relief of not having to choose anything at this moment is a kindness.

They sit down, their legs meeting under the table, and Iruka picks at the end of his braid, a trait indicative of some thought bubbling on his tongue.

“You don’t have to do it alone,” Iruka says. “I’m here, and I’ll learn.”

Kakashi thinks about the empty garden at the Hatake manor and the wooden latticework. He’s never built a sukkah as an adult. He imagines a sunflower in Iruka’s hair as they build the temporary, outdoor home, inviting their friends to eat inside its structure, and sleeping under the stars.

Iruka smiles at him and touches his hand.

It’s easy to believe that the world was created for his sake when Iruka’s skin is touching his.

He clears his throat to excise his mouth full of dust of the last year of regrets. “Come home with me,” he says, “and we can do our learning together.”

**Author's Note:**

> glossary:
> 
> **teshuvah** : often translated as repentance, literally means return.
> 
> **'a golem getting sent to eternal sleep'** : in some versions of the golem mythos, the word emet (truth) is written on the golems forehead. the golem is killed by removing the first letter and changing it to met (death).
> 
> **to save a life:** Whoever destroys a single life is considered by Scripture to have destroyed the whole world, and whoever saves a single life is considered by Scripture to have saved the whole world
> 
> **yom kippur:** the jewish day of atonement, the holiest day of the jewish calendar, where one atones to god for any sins. this involves abstaining from worldly pleasures, wearing white a la a burial shroud, etc. it lasts 25 hours.
> 
> **sukkah** : a wooden structure you build outside during the holiday called sukkot--you're supposed to invite friends over for a meal, sleep under it, etc.
> 
> **i reference 'i am but dust and ashes' and a bit about worlds, this is referring to this story** : _Everyone ought to have two pockets, each holding a slip of paper, so that they can reach for one or another slip as the occasion demands. On one should be written: “I am but dust and ashes.” And on the other: “The world was created for me.”_
> 
> i'm sure there are other things in here i forgot to explain, please feel free to comment and ask me for an explanation!
> 
> be safe, be well, suna is a jewish village, thanks for coming to my ted talk


End file.
